Bucket List: Cabo in January

I just spent 2 nights at Esperanza in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico with B (the man I love).

Before I start, I am so grateful to the universe for the hotel upgrade.  We stayed in a 1600 sq ft suite with an infinity-edge hot tub.  Hint – positive affirmations work!

B and I only had two nights in Cabo, so as soon as we finished our welcome margaritas, we wandered down to the beach where we ordered tacos and more drinks in a complimentary cabana.

As we let paradise soothe our stressed-out souls, we saw a big splash in the ocean about 200 yards out. As we ooh’d and awe’d, our waiter explained that whales migrate to Cabo from December 15th to March 15th.

We watched the water until the sun set while we ate scallops and jicama tacos at Cocina Del Mar.

The next day, we paused for a moment to visit the koi pond before B did cardio and I did yoga. Opening my heart chakra in paradise was absolute heaven.

Next, we changed into our bathing suits and swam up to the bar. We drank margaritas until our shoulders were pink, our drinks were empty and our fingers were prune-y.

After a quick shower, we caught a cab to El Farallon, where we sampled freshly caught sea bass, red snapper, amberjack and tuna. We were so close to the ocean that we could feel the spray from the crashing waves. Our waiter lit a space heater and handed us blankets to keep warm while we finished our coffee and watched fireworks. B teased me saying that he ordered them special for my birthday.

Just when I thought the night couldn’t get any better, B took me dancing at Cabo Wabo where Toby Keith surprised the patrons by joining the Cabo Wabo band on stage. The crowd was pounding chicken fingers and blue frozen drinks while we shook our booties to “Sweet Home Alabama.”

We ended the evening with a soak in the hot tub and logged it as “the perfect romantic weekend” and a great addition to our bucket lists.

Love and a coffee shop

She’s a former homecoming queen with long natural blond hair, a contagious laugh, and startlingly beautiful royal blue eyes. She has an MBA, makes friends easily and just retired from a successful career culminating as Chief Financial Officer. Other people dream of having her life, but she feels alone.

Why? She doesn’t believe that she is pretty enough to attract her dream man. She says, “This isn’t my body. When I am thinner, I will go on a dating site and find my dream man. ” I tell her that any man would be fortunate to have her, but she won’t budge.

She’s just 20 lbs away from ultimate happiness and she knows that losing 20 lbs is very achievable. How comforting for her to know that the perfect life is in reach … just a few more pounds to go.

A little history: She escaped from a bad marriage that caused her trauma. I think the fear of repeating that trauma has manifested in her “if only” statement. Sometimes when we use “if only” it’s our way of explaining to ourselves why we are avoiding taking action to achieve our hearts desire. If we take actions, we might fail. The potential real life rejection is so unpalatable that we choose the fantasy of future happiness over true joy.

She retired last year and opened a coffee shop in a small town across the country. When I visited her, she described her “Hallmark moment” featuring her dream man. “He’ll walk into [my shop]. The moment I pour his coffee we’ll know that we’ve found each other.” Sigh.

I believe her. Without knowing it, she is asking the universe directly for what she wants and taking action.

Please cross your fingers for her, too. Call me a romantic, but I believe that soulmates are like magnates to each other. I am hopeful that her soulmate loves coffee. He will definitely love her just the way she is!

Bucket List: Back country skiing

Who says that you have to be lift dependent in Colorado?

After 14 months of dating a back country ski enthusiast, I agreed to join B on the mountain.

I will admit that I was terrified. I hadn’t skied in 11 years and was always very cautious (ie snail slow) when resort skiing.

On Saturday afternoon we sat in traffic on I-70 for just over an hour, before pulling into a small parking lot next to a dozen other cars.  Since there are no lifts, you must walk up the mountain to ski down.

B was smiling ear to ear as we pointed our skiis up the mountain.  (He put “skins” on the bottom of my skiis so they wouldn’t slide down while I was trying hard to climb up) The first steps were awkward, but B kept reminding me to glide vs march up the hill. I was out of breath in the steep spots and still having a blast.  How often do you get a killer workout outside in a secluded snowy winter haven?

After about an hour, we turned around and skied back to the car. I used my pizza skiing technique and B stopped every 50 yards to patiently wait for me. My reward at the bottom of the hill was a big smile, a forehead kiss and the words, “I am so proud of you.”

Then B said, “Next time we’ll ski to a hut and stay overnight.”

I asked, “Do huts have indoor plumbing?”

B answered, “No.” He tried not to laugh at the look on my face.

Ewe … outhouses are not on my bucket list, but never say never.

His response to trust

As I watched the sunset in Hollywood I read:

I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. So deeply. Brought you into my life… Maybe too early. But I do love you.

I am spinning. This is at times just too much. I’ve never ever felt this kind of despair. I can’t give you what you deserve. I am spread too thin.

This is not your fault. You didn’t ask for this. You just love me. You are beautiful.

You told me “I need you”. I responded “I want you to need me.”
Those may be two of the most vulnerable/commitment words we’ve ever used. I fear I am failing you. Failing my own commitment.

I can’t give you what you want now. And it’s tearing us apart.

I need you. A lesson in trust

Last week he asked me to need him.
Needing him terrifies me.
He asked me to trust him.
I looked into his blue eyes.
I said, “I want to need you. I’m afraid.”

He tucked my head under his chin and squeezed my shoulders.
He said, “I would never hurt you.”

I said, “I need you.”
He said, “I need you. I love you.”

This week he hurt me.

He went off the grid to the mountains with his ex-wife and teenage children. He knew about the trip when he promised not to hurt me. Rather than explain, he was blunt and cold.

His last words were, “I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” Not my bed. The bed in guestroom at his ex wife’s house.

Then no contact for thirty six hours.

My phone rang.
He was calling from his ex wife’s house.
A short forty minute drive from me.

I felt vulnerable.
I thought that if we could just press our hearts together for a moment,
our connection would repair the abandonment I felt.

I asked him to stop by for a few minutes.
He said, “No, not tonight.”

I asked if I could come to him.
I just needed him to spare a few minutes.
He said, “No.”

I begged.
He said, “No.”

He said that hearing his car leave would hurt his ex and kids.
He couldn’t do that to them.

He didn’t say it with words, but he meant that he needed them to believe that I was less important to him.

Not hearing his car hurt me.
I was less important.

I dropped to my knees in my kitchen.
Gripping the phone.
Tears pooling on my hardwood floor.

“Why ask me to need you, if I am not your priority?”

He said for the first time, “This is the last time.”

He said, “You are my priority. I love you so much.”

I hope he means it.

I love you

Grateful to have a man who writes poems for me. Dating after 50 can be pretty awesome for a little romantic like me.

I love you.

Just us. Our eyes connected. And then closed so as to get even closer.

Limbs and fingers and hearts entwined. Bliss. Joy. Chests heave up. Down. Then Silence, but for breath.
But for You and Me.

LIFE HACK: Lean on me

I couldn’t resist taking this picture at Laguardia outside the Southwest terminal. It’s not staged. These are real people living life their way.

BA had been on a conference call for 2 hours trying to close a tax equity deal. As I sat by myself feeling neglected I looked up and saw this sleeping couple. The universe sends us beautiful messages when we need a boost of inspiration.

LIFE HACK: have your man turn his back to you to create a nice angled space for you to rest your head. A cashmere coat is a plus!