His response to trust

As I watched the sunset in Hollywood I read:

I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. So deeply. Brought you into my life… Maybe too early. But I do love you.

I am spinning. This is at times just too much. I’ve never ever felt this kind of despair. I can’t give you what you deserve. I am spread too thin.

This is not your fault. You didn’t ask for this. You just love me. You are beautiful.

You told me “I need you”. I responded “I want you to need me.”
Those may be two of the most vulnerable/commitment words we’ve ever used. I fear I am failing you. Failing my own commitment.

I can’t give you what you want now. And it’s tearing us apart.

I need you. A lesson in trust

Last week he asked me to need him.
Needing him terrifies me.
He asked me to trust him.
I looked into his blue eyes.
I said, “I want to need you. I’m afraid.”

He tucked my head under his chin and squeezed my shoulders.
He said, “I would never hurt you.”

I said, “I need you.”
He said, “I need you. I love you.”

This week he hurt me.

He went off the grid to the mountains with his ex-wife and teenage children. He knew about the trip when he promised not to hurt me. Rather than explain, he was blunt and cold.

His last words were, “I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” Not my bed. The bed in guestroom at his ex wife’s house.

Then no contact for thirty six hours.

My phone rang.
He was calling from his ex wife’s house.
A short forty minute drive from me.

I felt vulnerable.
I thought that if we could just press our hearts together for a moment,
our connection would repair the abandonment I felt.

I asked him to stop by for a few minutes.
He said, “No, not tonight.”

I asked if I could come to him.
I just needed him to spare a few minutes.
He said, “No.”

I begged.
He said, “No.”

He said that hearing his car leave would hurt his ex and kids.
He couldn’t do that to them.

He didn’t say it with words, but he meant that he needed them to believe that I was less important to him.

Not hearing his car hurt me.
I was less important.

I dropped to my knees in my kitchen.
Gripping the phone.
Tears pooling on my hardwood floor.

“Why ask me to need you, if I am not your priority?”

He said for the first time, “This is the last time.”

He said, “You are my priority. I love you so much.”

I hope he means it.

“Give it a try” said the heart

Core Power Yoga on Christmas Eve is the most crowded class of the year. We’re all a little stressed and hot yoga is exactly what we need to bring calm into our lives.

The message today was:

“It’s impossible,” said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless,” said reason. “Give it a try,” whispered the heart.

During Shavasana I focused on the quote.

It differs from my guiding principle:

“What’s the worst case scenario?”

I visualize as many if/then scenarios as I can think of. I then focus on the worst case scenario assessing whether or not I could live with the outcome. If “yes”, then I say, “yes.” (I am a simple woman).

I am rethinking that approach. The Law of Attraction says that we manifest our thoughts. From now on, I am going to ask, “What’s the best case scenario?”

I’ll let you know how it goes.

“The Radishes Changed My Life”

I didn’t make that up, but after reading, “The Radishes Changed My Life” in a Yelp review, I was intrigued. I’ve never looked to garnishes for life altering moments, but maybe I was missing the boat.

We shared three dishes: Sunchokes, Mushrooms and Radishes (lower right). Presentation and flavors were out of this world.  And maybe, just maybe, the Yelp reviewer was right.  A beautiful and delicious meal does change your life and that’s why food is a hobby for so many people.

Morin

1600 15th St, Denver, CO 80202

I love you

Grateful to have a man who writes poems for me. Dating after 50 can be pretty awesome for a little romantic like me.

I love you.

Just us. Our eyes connected. And then closed so as to get even closer.

Limbs and fingers and hearts entwined. Bliss. Joy. Chests heave up. Down. Then Silence, but for breath.
But for You and Me.

Cirque Eloize – Hotel

3 days before Christmas I had the good fortune to experience Cirque Eloise – Hotel with three of my favorite people.

There were a lot of small children in the crowd, which for an artsy production could have gone very wrong. Instead it was magical. The performance was fun, high energy and showcased acrobatics, dance, comedy and song in a way that made me yearn for the 1920’s. The little girl behind me giggled non-stop at the antics of Bell-men & women. Her little high pitched voice warmed my heart when she cried out, “Daddy, look, look, they are so silly.”

Highly recommend spending a moment with this fun circus troupe.