Dating at 50 – pre-game

Reflecting back.

I was alone. I had started a construction project and was sitting on my stripped plywood floor. Living in that moment was stark, but felt clean and new. I was at the end of my self-imposed 6 month break from men and about to begin my search for my soulmate. If he existed, I planned to find him.

I’d read that if you want to find the man of your dreams, you have to be very specific about what you want. I sharpened my pencil and wrote:

Dear Universe,

I spent my life raising a family and working hard at my career. I am happy with my life but I have one wish. Please help me find my soulmate. He is handsome, clever, mentally and physically fit, kind and very generous. I will love him exactly the way he is and he will love me exactly as I am.

Thank you.

I lit a candle and meditated as it burned. With closed eyes I concentrated on my wish, making sure that I knew exactly who I was looking for. After ten minutes, I reached for my phone and downloaded Bumble.

Bucket List: Back country skiing

Who says that you have to be lift dependent in Colorado?

After 14 months of dating a back country ski enthusiast, I agreed to join B on the mountain.

I will admit that I was terrified. I hadn’t skied in 11 years and was always very cautious (ie snail slow) when resort skiing.

On Saturday afternoon we sat in traffic on I-70 for just over an hour, before pulling into a small parking lot next to a dozen other cars.  Since there are no lifts, you must walk up the mountain to ski down.

B was smiling ear to ear as we pointed our skiis up the mountain.  (He put “skins” on the bottom of my skiis so they wouldn’t slide down while I was trying hard to climb up) The first steps were awkward, but B kept reminding me to glide vs march up the hill. I was out of breath in the steep spots and still having a blast.  How often do you get a killer workout outside in a secluded snowy winter haven?

After about an hour, we turned around and skied back to the car. I used my pizza skiing technique and B stopped every 50 yards to patiently wait for me. My reward at the bottom of the hill was a big smile, a forehead kiss and the words, “I am so proud of you.”

Then B said, “Next time we’ll ski to a hut and stay overnight.”

I asked, “Do huts have indoor plumbing?”

B answered, “No.” He tried not to laugh at the look on my face.

Ewe … outhouses are not on my bucket list, but never say never.

Mutton Bust’in at Denver Broncos v Chargers


Twas the last game of the season …

Denver had nothing to lose and didn’t seem to try very hard. The game featured eight turnovers and a stadium wave that lasted ten minutes.

Then, something I never dreamed exhisted happened during the halftime show.

A five year old wearing a helmet climbed on the back of a 50 lb sheep who took off like a rocket sending the child flying helmet first into the grass. And then another child climbed on a sheep and it happened again. And again.

No child or animal or cheerleader was injured. Phew! I laughed uncomfortably. It was too cute for words, but seemed horrifically out of place in this world where we seem to bubble wrap our children.

Wasn’t on my bucket list, but I checked the box anyway.

MOCA – Los Angeles

I try to visit Modern Art Museums when traveling. MOCA did not disappoint.

Manny Farber’s “One Day at a Time – Termite Art” exhibit was intense. It’s called termite art because the subject matter conveys the artists journey through ordinary objects displaying deep attention to details while eating its own boundaries.

I had a hard time with the violence woven into his paintings. That said, art is about evoking emotion.

“Honeymoon Killers” even by name is cringe worthy. Bliss and terror are juxtaposed in a single canvas. Once seen, you can’t unsee.

His response to trust

As I watched the sunset in Hollywood I read:

I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. So deeply. Brought you into my life… Maybe too early. But I do love you.

I am spinning. This is at times just too much. I’ve never ever felt this kind of despair. I can’t give you what you deserve. I am spread too thin.

This is not your fault. You didn’t ask for this. You just love me. You are beautiful.

You told me “I need you”. I responded “I want you to need me.”
Those may be two of the most vulnerable/commitment words we’ve ever used. I fear I am failing you. Failing my own commitment.

I can’t give you what you want now. And it’s tearing us apart.

I need you. A lesson in trust

Last week he asked me to need him.
Needing him terrifies me.
He asked me to trust him.
I looked into his blue eyes.
I said, “I want to need you. I’m afraid.”

He tucked my head under his chin and squeezed my shoulders.
He said, “I would never hurt you.”

I said, “I need you.”
He said, “I need you. I love you.”

This week he hurt me.

He went off the grid to the mountains with his ex-wife and teenage children. He knew about the trip when he promised not to hurt me. Rather than explain, he was blunt and cold.

His last words were, “I’m tired. I’m going to bed.” Not my bed. The bed in guestroom at his ex wife’s house.

Then no contact for thirty six hours.

My phone rang.
He was calling from his ex wife’s house.
A short forty minute drive from me.

I felt vulnerable.
I thought that if we could just press our hearts together for a moment,
our connection would repair the abandonment I felt.

I asked him to stop by for a few minutes.
He said, “No, not tonight.”

I asked if I could come to him.
I just needed him to spare a few minutes.
He said, “No.”

I begged.
He said, “No.”

He said that hearing his car leave would hurt his ex and kids.
He couldn’t do that to them.

He didn’t say it with words, but he meant that he needed them to believe that I was less important to him.

Not hearing his car hurt me.
I was less important.

I dropped to my knees in my kitchen.
Gripping the phone.
Tears pooling on my hardwood floor.

“Why ask me to need you, if I am not your priority?”

He said for the first time, “This is the last time.”

He said, “You are my priority. I love you so much.”

I hope he means it.

“Give it a try” said the heart

Core Power Yoga on Christmas Eve is the most crowded class of the year. We’re all a little stressed and hot yoga is exactly what we need to bring calm into our lives.

The message today was:

“It’s impossible,” said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless,” said reason. “Give it a try,” whispered the heart.

During Shavasana I focused on the quote.

It differs from my guiding principle:

“What’s the worst case scenario?”

I visualize as many if/then scenarios as I can think of. I then focus on the worst case scenario assessing whether or not I could live with the outcome. If “yes”, then I say, “yes.” (I am a simple woman).

I am rethinking that approach. The Law of Attraction says that we manifest our thoughts. From now on, I am going to ask, “What’s the best case scenario?”

I’ll let you know how it goes.

“The Radishes Changed My Life”

I didn’t make that up, but after reading, “The Radishes Changed My Life” in a Yelp review, I was intrigued. I’ve never looked to garnishes for life altering moments, but maybe I was missing the boat.

We shared three dishes: Sunchokes, Mushrooms and Radishes (lower right). Presentation and flavors were out of this world.  And maybe, just maybe, the Yelp reviewer was right.  A beautiful and delicious meal does change your life and that’s why food is a hobby for so many people.


1600 15th St, Denver, CO 80202

I love you

Grateful to have a man who writes poems for me. Dating after 50 can be pretty awesome for a little romantic like me.

I love you.

Just us. Our eyes connected. And then closed so as to get even closer.

Limbs and fingers and hearts entwined. Bliss. Joy. Chests heave up. Down. Then Silence, but for breath.
But for You and Me.